http://www.kqed.org/a/forum/
"We need to be released from guilt about our children, not further bound by it. We need someone to say: Do the best you can. There are no rules." - E. Jong
I've already posted about the "French parenting style", and apparently in France there was a best-selling book on parenting and feminism that basically argued that Anglo-American attachment/helicopter/
Instead of traditional sexist injustice, some liberated modern women are allowing themselves to be imprisoned by guilt and irrational expectations of the perfect mom (imaginary, unless you're rich and lucky), and/or the even more demeaning and vain mommy-fetish culture (i.e. the Kardashianization of motherhood: as a woman's beauty wanes, what better way to remain the center of attention and make other girls envious?). At least with tiger parenting, one can argue that it's done out of love with the hope of giving kids the best possible future. Treating kids as "accessories" is one of the most low-brow notions I've ever heard. We've all passively observed this phenomenon, but I never connected the dots before.
And let's remember that our species generally got by for centuries without mommy blogs, the billion-dollar parenting paraphernalia industry, paperbacks from the doctor-expert-du-jour, and airhead celebrities telling us what we should or shouldn't do for our kids. We know how flawed and emotionally dysfunctional our own parents were, and yet somehow here we stand as fairly decent people. If they could do it without the "parent-industrial complex", then what's wrong with Americans today? Family time used to come naturally (and back then it was just known as "time"), but now with all the working and consuming we have to do, we need to pencil in time for our loved ones (and even still we're checking work emails during the camping trip).
We are not a culture that embraces compromise (but we love to overreact and overcompensate), so there's this paradox of not being there when kids needs us, and trying to make up for it (and assuaging our guilt) by smothering them with attention/stuff that they don't really need. Overachievers or the privileged may not experience this trade-off, so they approach parenting as yet another way to remind you of their superiority, forcing the less fortunate rest of us into a cycle of feeling inadequate and hopelessly playing catch-up. And speaking of compensation, is it no surprise that the Sears couple (their marginally scientific books are credited as the foundations of attachment parenting) came from "broken homes"? In egalitarian spirit, it's totally acceptable if private citizens want to engage in attachment parenting or other forms of "extreme love." But can they be a bit modest about it, and not shove it down the rest of our throats as some political statement and/or affirmation of their awesomeness?
http://healthland.time.com/
I'll close with another great quote (of many) from Jong:
"Our obsession with parenting is an avoidance strategy. It allows us to substitute our own small world for the world as a whole. But the entire planet is a child's home, and other adults are also mothers and fathers. We cannot separate our children from the ills that affect everyone, however hard we try. Aspiring to be perfect parents seems like a pathetic attempt to control what we can while ignoring problems that seem beyond our reach."
And as Jong also notes, control is an illusion from the start, which will become glaringly obvious once a kid reaches the tweens. Kids are not our little experiment; they are humans with their own wills and aspirations. Could all this be another ego trip, as parents think that their truly insignificant decisions will totally determine whether their little Rickey becomes a senator or meth dealer in 30 years? Attachment parenting proponents strangely claim that all the attachment leads to more self-sufficient children, though I don't see how. The cynic in me (which is most of me) wonders if the attachment technique is a subconscious effort to make kids need their mothers more, thereby making moms feel better about themselves. If you think I'm crazy, look at the trend of the Millennials moving back in with parents due to the poor labor market. For empty-nest upper-middle-class households, moms seem to actually love this, as they get to dote on their kid once more (even if it's doing the kid a disservice). Or is it just rebellion over the lack of power and control in our own lives that we need to play god with another life? Freud would have loved the 21st Century.
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My controversial comments are not meant to attack all the humble, loving parents out there who know the world doesn't revolve around their kid, and are considerate enough to not shove their parenting issues in our faces. I know they are doing the best that they can in the world's most demanding job, and I commend and admire them for it. Just to be fair, I'll judge and psychoanalyze myself too. My "parent hating" partially stems from my laziness/frustration over not seeing a viable way to make it all work: be there for my loved ones, develop somewhat of a career, have a decent level of life pleasures & financial security, help others in need when I can, get at least 6 hours of sleep per night, and be a "good parent". My wife and I have played by the rules and did as we were told, but we can't find a way to make this work a priori (I'm not OK with just "taking the plunge" and hoping for the best). So I want to be responsible, and not overextend my resources or burden those around me just because we selfishly want a kid. How do we balance all the stuff that society told us we were naturally entitled to?
Many parents claim that they gladly gave up the other life stuff when they started a family, which became their new source of purpose and satisfaction. Maybe that can work, but I wouldn't feel good indirectly putting so much pressure on my child. Even if you don't explicitly state it, the kid eventually realizes that all your hopes and dreams are on her. So she has to grow up to be wonderful and live the greatest life ever, in order to honor and validate her parents' sacrifices. That's not fair, and I think it explains a lot of the juvenile burn-out that is all too common and unfortunately tragic at times. I guess the easier route is just to spoil the kid rotten, take pleasure in her pleasure, and let her grow into a self-centered brat? Maybe the pressure for everything to be perfect is even greater now that we're having fewer kids, and having kids is more expensive, and competition for access to a better life is harder than ever. Maybe my kids will be part of the first US generation to have it worse than their parents. A lot of uncertainty and worry over the biggest decision in life.
My feelings could also be due to jealousy of peers who seem to have it all without much compromise or sacrifice. As an example, we have a family friend whose kids are the quintessential "power couple." Two young, attractive, "perfect" SoCal specialist MDs who had a kid while the wife was in residency. You can imagine their work hours, so how do they find time to parent? Well they don't, really. "They take a lot of photos to look back on later," I was told. They can afford a good nanny, and grandma (a semi-retired cancer survivor) flies down from SF every week to babysit, so the parents can have some couple time too. She says she doesn't mind, and loves spending time with the kid, but you know it can't be easy on her. Going to such lengths so the perfect couple can have the perfect life? Good for them I guess. Even if my mom offered such generous assistance to me, I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting it just because I chose to have a kid before I could handle it.
Maybe that is an extreme case, but what do other parents do who aren't so lucky? I can't imagine what it would be like for recent immigrants working multiple unsteady jobs in a high-cost-of-living area, with no traditional social network to rely on, and maybe even family to support back home. And yet thousands of them do it just fine. But it shouldn't need to be that hard, right? Is our civilization truly advanced if it makes even the basic necessary life function of procreation so challenging? It's a fact that birth rates decline as a society gets richer and healthier, but I only wish the guilt and frustration over family decisions/compromises would decline too.
